I think about things deeply. Far more deeply than I care to or want to. This forces me to bury most of my life so that I hopefully forget. And usually, it works. I forget, but the soul never forgets anything.
I have come to realize that I am a romantic. I am a romantic about all things in this life. I want a happily ever after ending. I need a happily ever after ending. How am I to make sense of the deepest desires of my heart without a happily-ever-after ending?
I don’t need to tell you that there is no such thing as happily ever after on this side of our lives. Heartache, loss and more tears than I could ever have imagined greet us on this side of life.
My soul, our souls were never created for such trauma. Deep inside you realize this. Deep inside you always knew this. Brokenness and loss, are the tragedy of the human experience. My brokenness follows me everywhere I go. Every experience and every connection are touched by my brokenness. Rarely a day goes by that I am not reminded of my losses. Is there anything so empty as a heart that only feels loss?
Beauty is the hope and sunshine of a new day. But even beauty is fleeting. Eventually, the sunrise gives way to the day. Eventually, the sunset gives way to the darkness. Eventually, clouds block out the stars. What is young and vibrant becomes old and wrinkled. My soul cries out for beauty so that my heart might feel glad and full. As it tells us in the Bible, the purpose of the heart is like deep waters. Awake my heart. Awake my soul.
Written November 28, 2022