I’m tired. I can’t see my way forward [in this life] but I realize that there is nowhere else to go but forward. And I am not afraid of moving forward. But I feel like I am on a highway, and I missed my exit, but the next turn-off is literally 300,000 miles further down the highway. I accept that there is no one in the passenger seat beside me with no plans or expectations of anyone sitting in the passenger seat. I can probably drive 600,000 miles with an empty passenger seat. But I am also mindful of the fact that there are consequences that are out of my hands that the passenger seat is empty. The price for those consequences goes up for every mile that I move forward. What happens when the consequences are irreversible? I feel like the consequences are already irreversible and I only missed my exit a few minutes ago. To add to the challenges of moving forward for the next 300,000 miles a heavy fog rolled in and there are very steep cliffs on either side of the highway. Every decision matters. Passion and planning are essential except somehow when I blinked, they drifted off in the fog. How do you make decisions when every decision matters at this point and the plan and passion are gone? I’m so tired.
Written June 7, 2023