I know, an extreme statement and what don’t I care about anymore? What I don’t care about anymore is my life here in Belize. I know that sounds very extreme given everything I have worked for. But before you think I have lost it, please let me explain. Of course, I care about my life in Belize and I will work and fight until my last dollar to stay here. I don’t care does not mean I give up. In the grand scheme of things, I love my life here and would never live anywhere else in the world.
When I say I don’t care anymore and communicate that in the form of a blog post what I am doing is helping to “release” all the frustrations, challenges, anxiety, betrayals and hardships that have come with these last 8 months. By “releasing” everything that is swirling in my head I can find some peace, clarity and perspective in all that is going on in my life. Also reminding me that all I can do is my best given my situation and that success is not guaranteed. It’s also a great way to release the monkey mind.
At almost every turn in these last 8 months I have been met with hardship and betrayal. Hardship in the form of trying to co-exist within a jungle environment. Hardship in the form of trying to live in a third world country. Betrayal from many of the people I have needed help from or thought I could count on. Dealing with the inflation that the world is also dealing with definitely is not helping. And facing all of this alone. I take comfort in a lesson/advice I received as a truck driver. The first year sucks. And it was true and I have every expectation that if I can survive until next year I will be in a far better place. For some reason I actually do have faith that things will somehow work out down here. That being said, the reality of my life here in Belize is not rosy.
What is my reality?
I live in a Third World country in a jungle environment. That means everything from the people, the government and especially the environment will fight you, take advantage of you, magnify hardships exponentially and not give a crap about it or you. While one can hope for success in Belize, I suspect at best mere survival at the low end of the scale is a luxury for someone who is not already independently wealthy down here. I face all this while being a “single” person. I am living single in a lifestyle that is likely impossible to accomplish as a single person.
This November I will have been unemployed for 3 years. Savings are dwindling. The internet would likely provide me with “a job.” Not a job that I would enjoy, but a job that would allow me to survive. But after 8 months of trying to get internet on my farm I am actually no closer to getting internet than the day I arrived. After 8 months!!! And people in my village two miles away have internet.
So, what’s the plan?
Work as hard as I can and make the best possible decisions until I spend my last penny and hope that by the grace of God, He blesses my decisions and efforts down here.
And if that fails?
Well like I said, work hard until my last penny. Once the last penny is spent there is nothing left that I can do here in Belize. I will use a credit card to buy a plane ticket back to Canada probably likely never to return to Belize again. But what about your house? Within a week or less my house would be stripped down to the dirt. No Belizean would every allow a wooden house to stand unoccupied. The house would literally be swarmed and by evening a drinking party would ensue to celebrate the good fortunes of the lucky plunders.
And then what? Regroup. I won’t be able to continue with my bike ride as I will be penniless. I guess I would live with family in PEI and I would likely renew and requalify my AZ truck driver license. I am not sure how excited I would be about this even though it was the best job I ever did. Ever since the implementation of ELD devices (electronic logging devices) the job has become unnecessary harder, more dangerous and less fun. I would also need to find a company that would keep me on the road 100% of the time. At my age I will never ever pay rent or a mortgage in Canada again in my lifetime. I can only imagine I would drive a truck zig-zagging North America enjoying the open road until I got sick of doing so. Bank every penny and in what little spare time I would have I would pursue an education in something would allow me to be a digital nomad (someone who preforms their occupation entirely over the internet while travelling). And then I would travel to the cheapest places in the world and stay as long I want and then move on. Never again owning real estate. And at some point, along the way I would die, as we all do.
The philosophy of I don’t care anymore
In my life I camp in two seemingly different philosophical views of life.
Camp #1 Either nothing matters or everything matters. I believe everything matters. Luke 12:7a And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
Camp #2 Everything is meaningless. Ecclesiastes 1:2 Meaningless! Meaningless! says the Teacher. Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!
How do I reconcile these two camps? In all things do your best, even when no one is watching (camp #1). We are but a micro speck in the cosmos and in the timeline of infinity and we ALL die. (camp #2).
What do I mean by releasing?
There is so much out of our control it’s actually pretty scary. The best we can do is simply our best. But often that is not enough. Then what do we do with all that we can not fix or accomplish on our own strength? I release all that to God. Out loud I simply speak “I release (whatever) to You. I release, I release.” And then it’s not my problem anymore, it’s Gods problem to fix. Jeremiah 32:17 Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You.
And as an added bonus, my problems are no longer bottled up in my monkey mind. There, I feel better already.