And I suspect that writing is my outlet and my perspective. This statement of being alone is not an emotional statement about loneliness but more of a statement of fact.
Since arriving in Belize I have done very little writing or had any ambition for writing. Part of the reason I have done so little writing is because in many ways I have become more lost and disconnected to my world since arriving in Belize. When I started my bike ride, I had a lot of courage to be vulnerable with my poetry. I would describe most of my poetry as profoundly sad or as one reader called one of my poems -melancholic regret. Over time I wrote less poetry because I assume my life because emotionally boring. But every once in a while, I would write something. While I would post the poetry to my website, I would not share it to Facebook where a far wider audience could be exposed to my writing and easier to comment (judge). My fear was that I was sharing the most amazing and life changing experiences of human generosity during my bike ride and yet I was writing a poem about “whatever.” I didn’t want people’s conclusion or response about me to be “what’s wrong with you?”
What I have come to realize is that the only way I seem to get clarity on my life is to talk it out or write it out. Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to talk it out with.
I don’t live with depression or mental illness. And my sympathy to those who do. I don’t live with a sense of uselessness. My sympathy to those who do. I guess what I live with is I have a sense that most everything inside me is broken (beyond repair) and all I have in this world is sheer determination, stubbornness and grit to get through another day in this life. Perhaps most people can not relate, understand or appreciate what that means. Perhaps there are a few people that do.
Perhaps the hardest part of living with this is that I feel that there is no excuse and that ultimately it is a choice to be happy, appreciate what you have and to maintain the right attitude. I mean there are a lot of people in this world that legitimately suffer and have had very hard lives. And they can smile everyday and give thanks for what they have. How pathetic am I that I can’t deal with my (small) issues?
Ultimately, I am at a place of what do I do now? I should disclose that I have reached out to people for help and support a few times in the past and every time I was dismissed. Which in part leads me to live a life where I virtually trust no one. Strangely, one of the take-aways since my bike ride is that even with more generosity received than can be imagined I trust people even less. Ultimately all I have is a pen and paper (metaphorically speaking). What does it look like to write out all the junk inside my head? Where do I even start? And how much do I share?
How I came to decide to write about this stuff can be found HERE.
Written – June 2, 2022
Disclosure: first and foremost, I acknowledge that there are people in the world with far worse stories, events and situations in their lives. You simply have to look no further than the Ukraine. This post is not about woe is me. I also realize that all I have to do is change my attitude and my life will be perfect just like yours.
The purpose of this writing is to help process what is going through my head to actually help change my attitudes. And to simply disclose the challenges of trying to start a life in an isolated, third world environment. I also find that writing about these things goes along way to put my anxieties into context resulting in a better more constructive perspective about my life.
A post I wrote about my Ambition challenges can be found HERE.