My aunt tried calling me a few days before my birthday but I was unable to take the call at that moment. I know one of her first questions would be how is it going. For most people I interact with a “fine, thank you” answer is my go-to response as it is for most people. But there are a few people for whatever reason will get the truth. I interact with so few people some people are just going to get the truth whether they want to hear it or not.
So how is it going for me? I would need an answer. But life has been such a challenge as of recently that I would need to consider my answer. And the best answer I could come up with was that I am so alone that I am losing perspective. That’s kind of a profound statement. And it’s a statement that exposes a lot of crap in my life that almost no one would realize. It would appear that no matter what we do in life or where we are, we always drag our crap with us. My mom told me that once a long time ago.
The conversation between my aunt and I reflected on my writing and poetry and how that was an outlet for my emotions (particularly poetry.) Strangely I have had very little motivation to write since arriving in Belize. I made mention of how I had the courage to share some pretty deep poetry when my bike ride was in the early stages but as time passed, while I posted my poetry to my website, I lost the courage to share any new poetry to Facebook for fear of judgement. I mean I had experienced so many amazing things and acts of generosity. How could I feel the way I felt now? I didn’t want people to say – what’s wrong with you?
That all being said, there is a lot of crap inside of head and writing would seem to be a viable outlet that up till now I have not considered. But what does writing out and processing all my crap look like? And is this something I should be blogging about? I actually have no idea. While I have no idea what all this looks like in the moment, I am choosing to blog about this for a few reasons. First, I am hard wired to choose courage over fear. Second, I make it a habit to leave my comfort zone for personal growth.
Written May 24, 2022
Disclosure: first and foremost, I acknowledge that there are people in the world with far worse stories, events and situations in their lives. You simply have to look no further than the Ukraine. This post is not about woe is me. I also realize that all I have to do is change my attitude and my life will be perfect just like yours.
The purpose of this writing is to help process what is going through my head to actually help change my attitudes. And to simply disclose the challenges of trying to start a life in an isolated, third world environment. I also find that writing about these things goes along way to put my anxieties into context resulting in a better more constructive perspective about my life.