When I look in the mirror I can’t tell if I am old. I don’t look old. Anyone would tell you that I look very young for my age. Some days I feel like I am in my 20’s. But most nights when I go to bed I think “only 30 more years to get through (before I die.).” I know, I have a horrible, unappreciative attitude. And trust me, I wish I didn’t have this attitude.
When I tell people I am the laziest person I know they just laugh at me. Apparently lazy people don’t work 90 hours a week driving a truck or spend 2 years biking 26,000 km’s and writing 100’s of thousands of words in the form of blogs. But here I am in Belize, generally working fairly physically hard throughout the day in a high humid, hot jungle environment but at the end of the day with no energy, drive, motivation or creativity and no clue if my hard work during the daytime will amount to anything. I spend my evenings bored watching old Star Trek episodes while I make dinner, eat dinner and clean up and attempt to fall asleep. Wasted hours that I could be productive but I am with next to no motivation. Part of me loves living in Belize, loves being surrounded by all this nature, loves the adventure of my lifestyle. I know I am lucky (until my luck runs out) and I know so many people would love to at least experience my life if even for a short time. But part of me is bored, part of me is trapped and the creative part of me has no motivation or passion. And like with everyone, time is running out.
I obviously enjoy writing but mostly I have no idea of what to write about. At this point I really have no passion for much of anything. And it’s very difficult to commit to anything without passion. I had a guest here for the month of January and he was writing a book. Every day, all day he wrote and I think I just recently saw a social media post that he is releasing his book at the end of this month. To think, if I had just spent my evenings since arriving in Belize almost 8 months ago, I might have a book to show for my time.
I am 49 years old. When my grandfather was 50 in 1978, he started a bakery. And in his 78th year (2006) his bakery did $115 million in annual revenue. He sold the bakery when he was 79 years old. Even after his retirement him and my grandmother built a tiny bakery in their dog kennel (!!!) and baked appropriately 900 loaves of bread a week for a local food bank. I spend my evenings bored watching Star Trek. And people laugh at me when I tell them that I am the laziest person I know.
Written July 3, 2022
Disclosure: first and foremost, I acknowledge that there are people in the world with far worse stories, events and situations in their lives. You simply have to look no further than the Ukraine. This post is not about woe is me. I also realize that all I have to do is change my attitude and my life will be perfect just like yours.
The purpose of this writing is to help process what is going through my head to actually help change my attitudes. And to simply disclose the challenges of trying to start a life in an isolated, third world environment. I also find that writing about these things goes along way to put my anxieties into context resulting in a better more constructive perspective about my life.
HERE I wrote about Ambition