My plan during this self isolation is to work on and improve my writing skills. I am reading the book Wild Mind Living, The Writer’s Life by Natalie Goldberg. I hope to spend the first part of my mornings following this book and writing according to the suggestions or lessons. Feel free to follow along.
Admittedly I tried writing yesterday and I couldn’t. I have been working very long hours in front of the computer for almost 3 weeks and I feel I need to slow down in order to start think creatively again. Anyways it was recently pointed out that I possibly had a restless spirit. And I was instantly motivated to see what would happen if I just responded with whatever came into my head.
I was recently asked if I have a restless spirit. I actually think I do; but admittedly I actually don’t know what the definition of a restless spirit is? Does it mean to simply want to keep moving? But there are many levels or definitions of the term moving. And as far as I know I never had a restless spirit as a child. Would you not be restless as a child if you are restless as an adult? I actually like structure and order. Does a restless spirt even like structure and order? I would think probably not. But I am still not sure of the proper definition of a restless spirit. It is true that when I was at the height of my – what I will call successful career I would keep telling people “Yeah but I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.” And so, I left that career in search for what I was meant to do. This was the thing; nothing came together. And I wasted a lot of time “siting around.”
I think it wasn’t until I did my first bike ride did I really start moving. And I loved it. But then I didn’t really move around to much after the ride finished. And then I became a truck driver and really started moving around a lot. A new city or town every night for 6 ½ years. But I never dreamed or wanted to drive a truck as a kid. I became a truck driver because I saw no other way out of a very miserable time in my life. But I have never stayed long at any job. I guess in one sense I can’t sit still and have never worked anywhere that I would never committed to. And now I pedal a bike from one town or city to the next. Sometimes I wonder about the end of the ride and what that will mean for me.
Someone once said that I move from place to place or job to job because I am in search for validation. I wonder about that a lot. There is probably a lot of truth to that statement which I find a little disturbing. For me that means that my search comes from my broken self and not my true self. And that makes me worry about my motivations. I remember when I was almost married and in the process of preparing to move to Arizona. I love Arizona but for the life of me I could not imagine living in a desert. And I could never figure out why? Many people would point out that this was my internal self telling me that I was not suppose to marry this person. I don’t know, in one sense it doesn’t matter anymore. If I have a restless spirit what does this mean for my future? It can’t be good to have a restless spirt can it? Does a restless spirit ever experience contentment or peace? Now that I think about it, I almost have never experienced contentment or peace, if ever. I feel like a restless spirit must come out of a form of brokenness. What is healing suppose to look like? What part of my story should I be looking at to discover the source of this restlessness?
On a bike I definitely have a restless spirit. I need to stop regularly for the purposes of documentation and blogging but I find it hard to stop for anymore then a few days and I don’t like to stop too much during the day for anything other then lunch or taking photos. Having all of your senses exposed to the elements is like nothing else. You just want to keep moving. I have no idea what life is supposed to look like when this ride is finished. I mean I have plans but in one sense if I stop pedalling then that means that I stop moving and then I don’t know what that is suppose to look like for me. But at some point I want to be able to stop moving. Many people have already warned me the about the potential mental issues that can come up at the end of the ride especially if you have nothing else in your life. I try not to think to much about the end of the ride. The end of the ride is a long way away and there are many many miles between me and the end of that road. I can’t image what it looks like or feels like to have a proper roof over your head anymore. I gave up my apartment in October 2017 and have been virtually homeless ever since then. I wonder if maybe I have become too restless over the years. How would I ever settle down someday? What does that even look like? What if I can’t settle down? Maybe restlessness is not a bad thing. Is perhaps the look of resignation or defeat in people’s eyes due to the inability to be free? Almost everyone is tied down and forced to live within some form of structure to just to pay the bills. How many years can one sustain that lifestyle with out losing heart? I can not imagine not having the freedom to move wherever whenever you want to. I still wonder about the validation angle. I feel certain I have always been looking for a form of validation. Is it not one of the greatest forces a man must deal with and confront? How much of my life is the search for validation and how much of my life is the search for purpose? I feel that it is very difficult to relate to other people that are not restless or have the freedom to be restless. Yes, I feel restlessness comes out of brokenness. Does not all are motivations stem or root themselves in our brokenness. If we could only find contentment and joy in today’s blessings and gifts that would be something else.
So there you have about 1000 words in about 45 minutes.