My plan during this self isolation is to work on and improve my writing skills. I am reading the book Wild Mind Living The Writer’s Life by Natalie Goldberg. I hope to spend the first part of my mornings following this book and writing according to the suggestions or lessons. Feel free to follow along.
Todays lesson or exercise is about writing non stop and not editing your thoughts for about 10 minutes per session. The idea is once you start a session such as “I remember……” that you just write unedited. Whatever enters your mind you just go with it. No editing or over thinking at all. I used my phone alarm as my timer. For the purpose of publishing I quickly edited spelling but that is it. And that is why there are no paragraphs or why subjects or thoughts change on a period.
I was able to write 2000 words in about 1 hour’s time. Which is a lot of writing when I think about it.
I remember, I don’t remember, I am thinking of, I am not thinking of, I know, I don’t know.
I remember pedaling through Newfoundland and all the mountains. There was a fair amount of traffic on the TransCanada highway. I was forever wondering where everyone was going as you feel like you are in the middle of no where on the TransCanada. I could never understand why there were so many ambulances going up and down the highway. I always wondered where they were going. The ditches and shoulders were always littered with garbage. I remember for 1000’s of kilometers that I would always find a lone Bud Light beer can on the shoulder. I thought how was it possible that I could be following the same guy for weeks and weeks at a time. And whoever this guy was and why was he travelling all the same provinces that I was. I eventually lost track of him in Quebec. I remember Quebec being so windy. The wind was relentless. I wondered if it would ever stop. But I also remember thinking how lucky I was to get through northern New Brunswick with out any major winter storms. This was always the craziest parts of the country to drive in when I drove a truck. The salt from the roads always stung my eyes and when I woke up in the morning in my tent my eyes were always so buffy from the irritation of the salt. I remember Peggy’s Cove being nothing like I had ever expected. It never occurred to me that a place in Nova Scotia would make me think of tundra and the far north of Canada. The trees were so small and spread so far apart. There was so much exposed rock and I remember it being very windy. I remember how cold my fingers were taking photographs at Peggy’s Cove. In the wind and cold it never took long for your fingers to freeze. There was a guy there with a drone. He wanted to take some footage at the lighthouse. He asked me if I was Arie.
I don’t remember all the conversations I had with people along the way. Sometimes I think of different hosts and I feel bad about forgetting moments. Sometimes I tried so hard to be present that I would forget what we were talking about. When I was pedalling I couldn’t remember what summer felt like or what green grass looked like. It was always bizarre when I was shown a summer time photo of a place that I had pedalled through recently. I don’t remember many of the camping spots where I camped. This upsets me because I want to remember it all. I want to be all to run my entire bike ride through me head and visualize every camping spot I camped at. I don’t remember all the messages that I have ever been sent to me. I want to be able to remember and hold them all dear and close to me. Right now I don’t remember what it feels like to be on the road. I just know I want to feel that again. I want to remember the freedom of just being out there. I don’t remember what I don’t remember. I don’t remember where I lost heart. I want to remember so that I can go back for clarity and understanding. Where did it all go wrong? What were the mistakes and who were the people? I don’t remember what I was thinking about last week. I forget what it feels to be connected. I feel so disconnect right now especially being off the road and bike for two weeks now. I want to remember what it feels to be connected. To be able to connect memories with emotions and time. I don’t remember very much from my child hood. How is that possible that I have forgot so much? The foundation of who I am as a person seems so forgotten and distant. Where did it all go wrong? Was I always so lost as a child? Did I have a sense of a direction or purpose way back then? I don’t remember why I did a lot of the things that I did. I want to remember the good times. Were there ever good times? I want to remember what made me happy as a child. Writing about what I don’t remember is very hard. And I don’t like writing about what I don’t remember. I wish I could remember all the books that I have read. I hate forgetting all the important lessons. Some of these lessons are so important and by the end of the day theses lessons are forgotten. I want to remember everything. To forget is to lose. I hate to lose. Lose is the enemy. Lose is the enemy of life and all that we hold as precious. I never want to forget anything. I never want to forget the times and memories of those I have considered precious. I want to be mindful and cherish all the memories and lessons others have taught me. Life is so short but it also so long that we forget so much. I never want to forget anything again.
I am thinking of better times. How someday all this virus stuff will be gone temporarily and we can go on with life as we know it. To be back on the road pedalling; to be free and moving. Being stuck in an apartment for so long is not part of my nature of how I was designed. For 6½ years I drove almost 1000 kilometers a day and then I transitioned to pedalling down a road. I feel like I am stuck in a domesticated form of living. I don’t know how people live 9 to 5 and then live in homes and where almost everything about your day is routine. Was this what our original design was meant to be? I am thinking about the future. I always am thinking about the future. I always want to know my angle and motive. I am thinking about how to make life easier and simpler. I wonder when the sun will stay. It is always cloudy and I long for the warmer temperatures. But the sooner those days are here the sooner summer will be here. And the sooner summer will be here the sooner summer will be over. I am thinking that I will have to continue my bike ride across Canada this coming winter. I will have to pedal a bike through a second winter. How crazy is that that I just finished biking 4,900 km through Canada and because of things beyond my control I will have to pedal a second winter. And this winter will be twice as cold as the last winter. How crazy is it to pedal two winters in a row?
I am not thinking of how hard this coming winter is going to be. How isolating moving north and then west of Barrie Ontario actually is. That the opportunity for warmth and food and supplies become less and less. About how when it gets dark at 4:30 pm that there is no place to stop and that I will have to keep pedalling. Thank goodness I will be physically stronger to put in longer days. But longer days will mean that I need to eat twice as much. I hate cooking in the cold. I was able to only have to cook 4 times this entire past winter. This winter I will have to cook daily. I am not thinking about how often I will have to charge my lights and phone. Pedalling in the dark will require me to run my lights every night. I am not thinking about simpler times I am thinking about harder times ahead of me. What if I can never escape Kingston? I don’t want to think about being here another week let alone another month. I was never meant to stay put anywhere. This time and period of my life will represent the longest I have ever sat for over 7 years. It is very hard to write about what you are not thinking about. I am not thinking about the lost time inside my head and how even when I am productive, I am never productive enough. I am not thinking about the meaning of my life.
I know that I am on the right path and that I am where I am supposed to be. Most of my life I did not know that. If there is one thing that I am able to learn from my experiences over the last 6 months is that I am where I am suppose to be. I know that I have made the right decisions all along this bike ride and the planning of the bike ride. All the experiences and all the connections and relationships and messages have validated that. There is a huge sense of comfort in knowing that you have made the right decisions and are exactly where you are supposed to be. Knowing that you are on the right path provides a great deal of comfort about the future. But at the same time the nervousness of all of a sudden making a wrong or foolish decision is ever present. I often think about and worry about sabotaging my future or taking the wrong turn or path. For me knowing that I am on the right path makes me ever so mindful of turning on the wrong path. I am beginning to believe and know that the future will be okay. But I also wonder if the things I struggle with and think are impossible to over come will ever be overcome? I know that there is a God out there and that He has been watching over this bike ride very closely and I know that He reveals things ever so slowly. I know that I am trying to move way faster then His will and my impatience is even impatient with my impatience. I wonder if my inability to feel His presence has to do will me being 10 miles ahead of Him.
I don’t know my future. What a stupid thing to say when no one knows their future. Why do we strive and need to know about something that no one has ever known? Everything is about the future and we know almost nothing about it or will we know. I don’t know how I will feel later this afternoon. Will I be happy, sad or burned out because I have been working almost 2 weeks non stop in front of my laptop? I am 10 feet from the door of this apartment and I haven’t left in over a week. I don’t know when I will go to bed tonight. I almost never go to bed before 1 am. One thing that I have not been doing is watching tv. But it doesn’t help that my website that gives me access to all my favourite tv shows has been down for weeks. I think I have missed about 4 weeks of Survivor. I just realized that my aunt has a tv. I don’t know who I will meet over the next few months. I wonder who the next person that has a huge influence on me or my future is? Recently I have had some people come into my life that are definitely shaping my future and how I think about and how I am going to spend some of my time. I don’t know if this virus pandemic is going to be the new future. Even with a vaccine there is simply the next virus and it seems these viruses are getting stronger. What will this new world that is currently evolving into look like? A world war tends to hit a few or many countries pretty hard. But what does it look like for an entire world to be it with a world war?
So there you have it 2000 random words in an hours time.