A few weeks ago, I had an unusual sense about my mood and attitude.  I was actually what I would refer to as half-happy.  Which I understand is a weird thing to say.  Happiness has never been part of my regular vocabulary.  There have been brief times and brief moments in my life but they have never lasted long.  I actually feel very uncomfortable using the words happy or happiness.  Perhaps I feel like I don’t deserve happiness.  And I suspect that is why I noticed the internal shift inside myself.  I am coming onto 2 years living in Belize and the first 18 months were some of the toughest months.  But things are finally getting to a better place and I feel like I am moving in the right direction.

Yet even the right direction had me feeling pretty overwhelmed last week.  Perhaps that last moment of happiness had passed all too soon.  But I partly feel like I am headed in the right direction.  The key word is “partly.”  I really need to figure out a path to a career and I really think life coaching is that path.  It fits almost perfectly with my current lifestyle.  Often when I find myself in conversations with people, though I didn’t realize it in those moments, I felt like I was approaching these conversations with people as if I was already their life coach.

I had a Canadian guest arrive a few days ago.  Similar to my story he rode his dirt bike from Canada to Belize.  About 11 months ago I realized that in a perfect world if I truly had the freedom to do anything I wanted I would get back on the road and continue bike touring.  Over the last few days, we have swapped many stories.  I have told him much of my life story, causing me to pause and reflect on the personal sacrifices and hardships I had to overcome to get to this point in my life.

A baby Morelets crocodile

Last night my guest, Andy shared with me a YouTube video he just finished editing of part of his trip through Mexico.  It brought back memories of Mexico.  What an amazing country.  I intern shared some of the YouTube videos that I had made from the Canadian winter portion of my bike ride.  It brought back a lot of memories of the daily sacrifices I made to start that bike tour and what it took physically and mentally to bike tour the 4,900 km portion of my ride through the 2019 Canadian winter.  Amusingly enough, I just discovered as I write all of this today it was exactly 4 years from this day, I started my 26,000 km bike ride.

I have always had a philosophy of may your greatest dreams and goals be in front of you and never rest on your laurels.  And I am afraid I find myself at odds with this philosophy.  I am wired to sacrifice and push myself to my next dream and goal.  But with no income source for the last four years and the daily challenges of maintaining a house and farm in the middle of an indifferent, overgrowing jungle, it’s all I can do to stay on top of yard maintenance.


Nurse sharks & an America crocodile

I am uncertain about how to face the future.  I am four years unemployed at the age of fifty with no source of income or retirement savings.  I have a house in the jungles of Belize, living a lifestyle that I truly love but I live in a country that I have become extremely disillusioned with.  Currently, I have lost any interest in engaging in anything in this country that is beyond my property boundaries.  Adding to these challenges we seem to find ourselves in very uncertain times in the world.  Governments have overreached control and censorship at unprecedented levels since the Covid-19 pandemic.  Food and living costs are through the roof and I never hear any positive news out of Canada since I left.  Not to mention the conflicts in Ukraine and Israel.  We truly live in depressing times.

I am internally wired to sacrifice and work hard towards a goal.  That is how I have accomplished everything I have accomplished in my life.  Like I mentioned I live a pretty amazing lifestyle for someone like me.  While the last thirty days have been unusually amazing and fantastic.  In the last thirty days, I have seen American crocodiles, snorkeled, touched Nurse sharks, caught 3 boas, 1 baby Fer de Lance, 1 baby Morelets crocodile, and saw a mountain lion.  As Andy pointed out “That’s a good month.”

A baby Fer de Lance & a Boa Constrictor

Last night talking back and forth with Andy I introduced him to the “Hell yeah or no” approach to making decisions about what to do next or in the future.  The idea is if you are considering a decision and the first thought that enters your mind is not “hell yeah” then it should be a hard no.  When I reflect on the possibility of pursuing a career in life coaching there are a lot of positive and good reasons to pursue this path.  It would be a good match, but it’s not exactly a “hell yeah.”

Before I could finish writing this post, I was riffing with Andy about my frustrations at being in this place in my life while I looked at my map of Belize on my wall.  I asked myself what would a “hell yeah” look like for me in this country.  The crazy thing was I actually came up with a “hell yeah.”  I did not expect that!  But this “hell yeah” would require a partner who is proficient in video editing and I need proper security for my property as I would be traveling the country for a few weeks at a time (regularly).  I would also need a source of income.  In other words, a lot of resources that I currently do not have and have no idea how to secure.  But it was a “hell yeah.”  I sense a sleepless night coming tonight.

So, I apologize for ending this post this way.  I didn’t expect that last paragraph and I am not prepared to elaborate.  The purpose of this post was to empty my thoughts onto the computer screen so they don’t bounce around in there for the next few weeks.  Writing is the only way I know how to clear my mind.

May your path be clearer than mine.

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