This morning was a rough morning. I attempted to write out what going on inside my head.
I am paralyzed by indecision not so much by fear but from lack of purpose, passion and conviction. There is a fog over me and my entire life as far as the eyes can see. I never anticipated such a difficult year. I don’t have the capacity, energy or desire to risk for nothing and at the same time I have no idea what I want in life. I can’t seem to get past the meaningless of it all.
I feel almost completely trapped but at the same time aware that at some point you have to stop running from your problems as ultimately you drag those same problems everywhere you go. Trapped is trapped no matter where you go.
Later in the evening, reflecting on my wasted morning I was frustrated with myself for not being productive as I could have been regardless of no power (Hurricane Lisa power outage), or wet conditions (from rain) I always have more work that needs to be done. Between that frustration and reflecting on this morning’s thoughts while I cannot deny what I am struggling with I simply don’t have the resources (time and money) to maintain my current attitude. I need to be more intentional about changing that attitude and focus on moving forward. I also found my attitude and lack of productivity amusing since last night I was reading a book called Will to Win. Perhaps it is between the shame of wasting my morning and reading a book called Will to Win that causing me to reflect on urgency of changing my attitude.
Written November 22, 2022
